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Pain - Seven-Inch Cowboy

Iâ??m a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns.
Fiveâ??ll get you ten,
I betcha never seen one.
Well Iâ??m a seven inch cowboy
How do you be?
And Iâ??m used to people gawking and a-staring at me
But I wasnâ??t always so gol-darned wee
Let me tell you my story,
You can listen for free.

For seven long years,
Now thatâ??s a year for every inch I stand
Iâ??ve traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
Iâ??m at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.
I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I come toâ??s like a terrible dream
The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors
Watching me dodge â??em and laughing at my small squeaky scream
I went to a saloon to get a drink
They wouldnâ??t serve me
They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
They sang a song both cold and mean
â??Cause thatâ??s how women are,
They sang,

â??A man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere.
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts, and there you are.â??

And Iâ??m a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Fiveâ??ll get you ten
I bet you never seen one

(Yodeling)

Now as you can imagine, Iâ??d grown pretty bitter
(Although thatâ??s the only way in which I had grown)
And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor,
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend Iâ??d ever known.
The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up and I told â??im, â??Look a-here!
You made me this way, itâ??s time you pay, you gol-darned queer!â??
And the professor said, â??Wait! Wait!
Now you know me, and I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
Itâ??s less like a pastime and more like a job
Why if I didnâ??t do it, Iâ??d be an unemployed slob
Now I know that wonâ??t suffice if Iâ??m to set you at ease
But Iâ??m thinking as fast as I can for a man whoâ??s down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, hereâ??s what I thunk, I thought,
â??Where would you be today if you hadnâ??tâ??ve shrunk?â??
Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,
Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been
Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!
I gave you a gift! (though you werenâ??t grateful evidently)
I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
Youâ??re a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.
From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
Youâ??ll be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side.â??

Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said â??em â??cause he was scared
My guns were weighinâ?? heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow:

Well my pop told me it donâ??t matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes.
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size donâ??t really count and there you are.

And Iâ??m a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)
With a tiny pair of six guns (Thatâ??s mighty damn small)
Fiveâ??ll get you ten (For all you bettinâ?? men)
Youâ??ll never see another one (yeah!)
I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
Thereâ??s never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
Well, Iâ??ve thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)
Hollywood here I come!